The Boyfriend Dilemma

Valentine's Day is quickly approaching which means that every store window is filled with pink and red trinkets that are supposed to represent "true love." Although I love this holiday, I have often found myself reflecting on my ideals of a "perfect" relationship, if I am willing to enter in a relationship, and why I can't seem to catch feels.

As many of you may know, I am a college student. So many of my friends tell me about recent dates they've been on, spicy hookups they've had, and discuss their current crush. While I am happy for them and all of their relationship endeavors, it makes me wonder if I am broken emotionally (in a romantic sense) since I have not caught feels in YEARS. Four years to be exact. 

I have found myself in a emotional dry spell regarding romantic feelings. It's so easy for me to spot cute guys on campus since my university is huge. I see attractive guys almost everyday. Some guys that I've met have definitely made me swoon because of their looks, but besides the feeling of physical attraction I have not experienced emotional attraction. 

Four years, in my mind, is a long time not to feel any sort of emotional attraction to a person. I rationally know that this feeling is probably perfectly normal since there is a high possibility that they right person hasn't come along, yet I can't seem to not feel this way. My current mindset on relationships partially contributes to my fear of being alone forever.

I have dealt with the feeling of loneliness for a while now ever since I have been here at college. Rationally, I know that the adapting process takes time and I can't put a specific time frame on my feelings.

Overall, I have realized that one of my biggest fears is loneliness. Although I have friends at school, I feel as if none of them really listen or talk to me the way I would like them to. I always try to really listen to my friends when they are talking to me and try to give them honest, (hopefully) helpful feedback. I would like them to do the same.

In other words, I'm literally Michael Scott from the Office. 

16 Good things in 2016

Let's be honest: 2016 was a pretty shitty year. Here is a list of the good things that happened to me in 2016 that made me smile.

1) DC with an Australian January, 2016

2) Galentines February, 2016

3) Admissions March, 2016

4) NYC March, 2016

5) Last HS show April, 2016

6) Debut (18th Birthday) May, 2016

7) Prom May, 2016

8) Finished Senior Year May, 2016

9) Graduation June, 2016

10) Hiking June, 2016

11) Exploring NYC alone July, 2016

12) Broadway July, 2016

13) Kings Dominion August, 2016

14) We Are September, 2016

15) Late Night Diner Dates November, 2016

16) Hanging with a bud December, 2016

2016, thanks for these sweet 16 things. Thanks 2016 for the memories but it's time for you to go. 

I can explain...

I told myself that I was going to blog for three weeks straight. Clearly, this did not happen, BUT I am going to redeem myself by writing something at least once a week. That is a reasonable goal right?

With the 2017 just around the corner, many people are starting to make New Year's resolutions. I am not making any since I do not believe in them. I believe that if you want to make a change do it. You don't need to wait until the next year to go to the gym or start a diet. Literally just do it.

That's all. I am tired. There will be more to come.

Wannabe Hipster Trash

Its 12:31 pm. I am sitting alone in the HUB sipping on an overpriced, underwhelming cup of coffee and reading a book written by a successful female celebrity in hopes that her novel will inspire me to get off my lazy ass and do something useful with my time. (Fun fact: it's not working).

The guy next to me is reading the New York Times, looking like he is educated and like he owns the world. He is reading the newspaper just to read the newspaper while simultaneously listening to music that has substantial meaning through beats wireless headphones that cost roughly $100 dollars as he sips a $7 smoothie from Jamba Juice. I bet this guy has a killer Instagram feed and composes funny, yet sometimes inspirational tweets which ignites a spark in his twitter followers do "do something good today" or simply "be nice to people". His friends probably adore his taste in music. He's up to date with the coolest songs and somehow knows all the lyrics to that recidulously fast rap in that one song. "Yoooo! How can you do that? Thats amazing! We are all so impressed and we all really adore you as a friend. Your twitter inspires us all" says all of his friends. He wears a shirt that reads 'CASUAL FRIDAY' on a Friday. Wow, he must have his life together. He knows the days of the week and when it is suitable to wear his 'CASUAL FRIDAY' t-shirt.
Well I ever reach this kind of aesthetic luxury? Probably not, but I will always hope to be.

For the past week, I have have come to the conclusion that I am Wanna Be Hipster Trash? I wear colors like mustard, olive green, and maroon. I bought myself a pair of white sneakers that I wear almost everyday. I want baseball hats that have cacti or a dog riding a scooter on them to accessorize my outfits. The one problem is, that being hipster is expensive. I don't have the money to buy kombucha tea made in the Himalayan mountains by some old dude that was once taught by Gandhi.

I want my life to be the aesthetic of dreams. My aesthetic will Beyoncé's goals.  I just want a pretty life. That is all that I ask.

I AM LONELY AND IT F**KIN' SUCKS

Since coming to college, I've realized two things: panda express is an extremely underrated fast food chain and EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I KNEW ABOUT MYSELF IS A LIE. 

I came to school open minded saying shit like: "I'm gonna work hard, make a lot of friends, and finally learn to love and accept myself for who I really am!" Yet no one tells you that everything is not going to be filled with rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns (side note: why the fuck is everyone so obsessed with unicorns? They don't exist. Please put your faith into real animals that do exist like sloths or armadillos). Instead its filled with sleepless nights because you watch Netflix till 3 in the morning; the tiny little voice in your head constantly questioning E V E R Y T H I N G; and eating shitty ramen noodles you made in your dorm room microwave. WHY DOES NOBODY TALK ABOUT HOW LIFE SHITS ON YOU AT THE MOST INCONVENIENT MOMENTS?
I am currently sitting in my dorm room alone. I watched my roommate go to a party with real people who may or may not give a shit about her, I don't really know. But here I am sitting on a very uncomfortable bed stuffing my face with Biscoff cookies because my brain is filled with constant thoughts of sadness.
When I started this blog my goal was to write some philosophical shit that would get readers thinking when in reality I just needed a creative outlet to write, rant, and talk shit. In other words, this post is one of the many where I just type endlessly about shit that probably doesn't matter to you (the reader).  Why should I compose all of my writings to inspire people I don't even know if I'm not having fun? Screw that.
In other words, I am super fucking lonely. I literally have no friends. Well, I maybe have one, but we are casual hey-lets-get-lunch friends rather than yo-lets-hang-out-on-the-weekend friend and those are two VERY different kinds of friendships. In the beginning of the year I have like 6+ friends who I thought I gelled well with. When the universe saw I was having an okay time with my life to my it said this:
Universe: Chels, you are finding friends wayyyy too easily. Soon you're going to realize that the people that you have surrounded yourself with have no interest in you as a person AND another person is going to drag you away from the group. Secluding you and her into a little black corner filled with fake wonder and fake self fulfillment
Me: Well thats not nice...
Universe: AND THEN you're going to realize that this friendship makes you so unhappy and she begins to shut you out because you refuse to go to parties (because obviously just going to parties is equivalent to having a successful social life)!
Me: *cries for 10 years straight*
Besides my encounter with the universe, my life right now is totally fucked. I have lost all motivation, drive, and will to go after what I want which sucks ass. I used to have a good grip on my personality. At school, what even is personality? Right now, I would describe myself as a brick; stone cold and rectangular. I have lost interest in things that I was normally in.
Most psychologist would define the situation I'm in as "identity moratorium" which is defined as "is a period of identity development that occurs after the adolescent stage of identity diffusion and is generally considered the longest period of that development. It is a period of active searching and exploring alternatives to current situations." In my terms it basically means, "Good luck and don't get pregnant." 

I've talked to so many people who keep saying it'll get better. I know in the back of my mind that they're right, but as of now I'm fucked. 

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Works cited: http://www.alleydog.com/glossary/definition.php?term=Identity%20Moratorium#ixzz4SJcL4E00

ps. none of my posts are looked over. What I types is what I type. Unedited and uncensored. This will probably bite me in the butt in the end. Who the fuck cares? 

Identity Crisis

Talking about race is a subject that needs to be talked about, yet it doesn't come up enough. (this blog post might be risky, but these are my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. I, in no means, do not intended to offend anyone) 

I am a mixed race individual. My father is American (of German decent a long way down the line) and my mother is Filipino (she came to the States in her early 20s); therefore, I am half white and half Asian (some may say wasian). However, I have been, and often am, mistaken for being Latina because of the mix. 

This is why I am confused. I identify with both American and Filipino culture, but because of the mix, I find it difficult to establish a set identity about myself. Meaning that I cannot fully identify with white Americans nor I fully identify with Filipinos. I am, and always will be, somewhere in between. I cannot fully identify with Filipino culture because I have lived in the States ever since I was born. I cannot fully identify with American culture because I am able to live an Asian lifestyle. It is difficult to define what I am.

Although not being able to define what I am ethnically, there are some advantages to it. I am able to identify with not just one culture but two. I get the best of both worlds (to quote Hannah Montana). I also am not defined by white or Filipino stereotypes. I am able to be me! 

I am trying to understand what it is to be me and with this new knowledge how can I grow as an individual. Maybe, I will be able to teach my perspective to others and help them gain more of an understanding. I am so grateful that I get to grow each day. 

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*I didn't post yesterday and I'm extremely bummed about it. I was going to type up a little post while my friend and I were studying but it was late and I was tired so I completely forgot about it. In other news, I think I found a steady casual friend. The friendship is not at "hey lets hang out on the weekends" friendship yet, but if we keep hanging out after class or meet up to study or whatnot I think it could be that kind of friendship. 

**Also it snowed yesterday and it put me in such a good mood. I love snow! 

Observing

Today is Saturday November 8th and I am sitting in the HUB. When I crave to be surrounded by people and random chatter, I go here. Not just because I secretly hope that some one will side into chair next to me an maybe will start a small conversation about live, but also I like to people watch.

I like people watching mainly because I'm very lonely here. I have "friends" but they are more like acquaintances rather than people I genuinely care about. Yes, it sounds terrible but its the truth. When I came to school, I was thrust into an environment where I knew no one. During the first three weeks everyone is friendly and chatty, but once people start to settle down into their schedules and university life, people aren't open to new conversations anymore, so I was stuck in a friendless rut and people watching is a way how I get rid of the eternal feeling of loneliness.

The reason why I like people watching so much is because observing different types of body language, relationships, and sometimes situations are so interesting. I am able to make up stories with the characters I observe. It is as if I can really listen to a person without ever speaking to them. I can look how different social groups interact with each other. The international students have a very different relationship to each other than that of the sorority girl group. I can also observe individuals and how they act.

Observing others has become a little hobby of mine. I know others people watch as well. I just wonder what people say when they observe me.