Since coming to college, I've realized two things: panda express is an extremely underrated fast food chain and EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I KNEW ABOUT MYSELF IS A LIE.
I came to school open minded saying shit like: "I'm gonna work hard, make a lot of friends, and finally learn to love and accept myself for who I really am!" Yet no one tells you that everything is not going to be filled with rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns (side note: why the fuck is everyone so obsessed with unicorns? They don't exist. Please put your faith into real animals that do exist like sloths or armadillos). Instead its filled with sleepless nights because you watch Netflix till 3 in the morning; the tiny little voice in your head constantly questioning E V E R Y T H I N G; and eating shitty ramen noodles you made in your dorm room microwave. WHY DOES NOBODY TALK ABOUT HOW LIFE SHITS ON YOU AT THE MOST INCONVENIENT MOMENTS?I am currently sitting in my dorm room alone. I watched my roommate go to a party with real people who may or may not give a shit about her, I don't really know. But here I am sitting on a very uncomfortable bed stuffing my face with Biscoff cookies because my brain is filled with constant thoughts of sadness.
When I started this blog my goal was to write some philosophical shit that would get readers thinking when in reality I just needed a creative outlet to write, rant, and talk shit. In other words, this post is one of the many where I just type endlessly about shit that probably doesn't matter to you (the reader). Why should I compose all of my writings to inspire people I don't even know if I'm not having fun? Screw that.
In other words, I am super fucking lonely. I literally have no friends. Well, I maybe have one, but we are casual hey-lets-get-lunch friends rather than yo-lets-hang-out-on-the-weekend friend and those are two VERY different kinds of friendships. In the beginning of the year I have like 6+ friends who I thought I gelled well with. When the universe saw I was having an okay time with my life to my it said this:
Universe: Chels, you are finding friends wayyyy too easily. Soon you're going to realize that the people that you have surrounded yourself with have no interest in you as a person AND another person is going to drag you away from the group. Secluding you and her into a little black corner filled with fake wonder and fake self fulfillment
Me: Well thats not nice...
Universe: AND THEN you're going to realize that this friendship makes you so unhappy and she begins to shut you out because you refuse to go to parties (because obviously just going to parties is equivalent to having a successful social life)!
Me: *cries for 10 years straight*
Besides my encounter with the universe, my life right now is totally fucked. I have lost all motivation, drive, and will to go after what I want which sucks ass. I used to have a good grip on my personality. At school, what even is personality? Right now, I would describe myself as a brick; stone cold and rectangular. I have lost interest in things that I was normally in.
Most psychologist would define the situation I'm in as "identity moratorium" which is defined as "is a period of identity development that occurs after the adolescent stage of identity diffusion and is generally considered the longest period of that development. It is a period of active searching and exploring alternatives to current situations." In my terms it basically means, "Good luck and don't get pregnant."
I've talked to so many people who keep saying it'll get better. I know in the back of my mind that they're right, but as of now I'm fucked.
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Works cited: http://www.alleydog.com/glossary/definition.php?term=Identity%20Moratorium#ixzz4SJcL4E00
ps. none of my posts are looked over. What I types is what I type. Unedited and uncensored. This will probably bite me in the butt in the end. Who the fuck cares?
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